One of the biggest lessons I learned from this book is that it’s important to get to know yourself. For some of us, focusing on knowing ourselves almost sounds self-indulgent. Wouldn’t it be better, more humble, to get to know the people around us instead? But I’ve discovered that there are some pretty major reasons to get to know yourself first.
1. It helps you develop habits that will actually work
Gretchen Rubin’s whole book is about this, so I won’t say much on the subject. An example of how this works is knowing whether you’re a lark (morning person) or night owl. If you’ve always been a night owl and that’s when you feel most awake and alive and creative, it doesn’t make sense for you to develop the habit of waking up early. You do your best work at night. If you know that you love to open things or start a project, it helps you be more aware of the fact that you need to work on finishing them. Maybe you work best in a vibrant, messy, unpredictable environment. Knowing this means that you can stop trying to have an ordered, minimalist home. Knowing yourself helps you develop the right kind of habits that are tailored to you.
2. It helps you stay authentic
One of the difficulties of being human is that we’re always trying to live up to other people’s expectations. If we’re not trying to base our lives on external expectations, then we’re trying to live up to our own, perhaps unrealistic, expectations. Getting to know yourself causes you to think about who you really are and what you really want. When you do this, greater authenticity is a natural result.
3. It makes you a happier person
There’s something about knowing yourself better that helps you embrace the person you actually are instead of the person you’re trying to be. You have unique skills and giftings that are special to you. You’re good at things that other people aren’t. You have a collection of knowledge and experiences that no one else in the world has. Knowing this about yourself allows you to use whatever is unique about you for whatever your unique purpose is. When you do this, it’s hard not to be happier.
4. To know others better
When I started putting more time into understanding myself, it caused me to notice how other people are different from me, and I began to understand the ones I love better too. For example, when I discovered that I’m flexible and adept at changing my plans based on unforeseeable circumstances, it made me realize that some people aren’t. By learning more about yourself, you automatically learn more about others in the process thanks to the beauty and diversity of distinction.
5. It improves your relationships
One you know yourself better, which results in knowing others better, improved relationships are quick to follow. Accepting yourself makes it easier to accept other people as well. Knowing your own preferences and how they differ from the preferences of those you love makes you better at compromising, communicating what’s important to you, and making worthwhile sacrifices for the ones you love. You’ll both be happier as a result.
Maybe you think that your spouse values having his car as clean as your own, so every Saturday you devote time and money into cleaning both your cars. If you find out that having a clean car is a priority your spouse doesn’t share, you can save yourself the time, energy, and cost involved in cleaning his car and do something that will matter more to both of you.
6. You’ll be less swayed by popular opinion
Ours is a culture that values thinking for yourself and paving your own way in the world. There’s something special about designing the life you want, finding that sweet spot of what matters most to you and going after it. When you know yourself better, you’re less likely to be swayed by other people. Maybe it’s always been your dream to have a big house with a pool so you can frequently host your friends and family. Some might call this the gift of hospitality. But if you’re swayed by the currently popular tiny home movement, you might feel bad about this dream and, even worse, give up on it.
Then again, maybe your dream is to spend as much time traveling the world with your family as possible, and you don’t really care to invite a ton of people into your home. If that’s the case, it would certainly make a lot more sense to take advantage of the tiny house trend. Neither of these dreams or desires are bad, but you certainly can’t have both. Getting to know yourself is the only way you can determine what your values are and effectively shape the path of your life rather than following the crowd.
Questions to Get to Know Yourself
Getting to know what you really want can take years and a lot of experimentation. Here are a few questions to get you started on that path:
What makes me feel most alive?
You know that feeling you get when you’re in your element and life feels absolutely sweet? Pay attention to those moments. What makes you feel that way? Can you recreate it?
What makes me most jealous of other people?
You might need to think this through a bit. Say you’re jealous of someone who lives a glamorous lifestyle and doesn’t ever worry about money. At first you’d think that your only desire is to be rich. But if you think about it further, you might realize that you’re really just jealous of their ability to spend more time with their kids. It might take some time, but you might figure out a way to make that possible. Maybe you downsize your house, buy a cheaper car, and get a part-time job instead of a full time. If more time with your kids a priority, you can most likely find a way to make it happen, especially if you think long term.
Try paying attention to what you’re jealous of, whether it’s hobbies, careers, lifestyle, etc. With some creativity and thoughtfulness, you might be able to add some of that to your life.
How much interaction do I need to have with people?
If you’re always feeling socially deprived, perhaps a new hobby that doesn’t involve any human interaction isn’t the best fit. If you’re absolutely drained by being around people all the time, think about creating some boundaries for a few evenings a week so you get some time alone.
What did I enjoy doing as a child?
Things that you enjoyed as a child are often things that we would enjoy as adults too. Did you absolutely adore your family’s annual two-week camping trip? Maybe you can’t take two weeks off work, but you could probably make time to spend more of your weekends in nature. I spent most of my free time reading and doing gymnastics as a child. As an adult, I still enjoy reading. My adult body isn’t quite capable of doing gymnastics anymore, but I’ve found that yoga has similar challenges and benefits, so I’ve been working on incorporating more of that into my life. I never enjoyed team sports, so playing indoor soccer on the weekends isn’t an activity I would enjoy. Fortunately I know this about myself and don’t try to make myself do something I wouldn’t enjoy.
A Final Note
Though it’s fairly simple to acknowledge that getting to know yourself is important, actually doing it can be incredibly challenging. It takes many years for some people to figure out what kind of career path is going to be most fulfilling to them. Perhaps some people never find it, satisfying themselves in focusing on paying the bills and living for the weekends instead. There’s a lucky few who know what they want to do when they’re children and have a clear path and fulfilling purpose ever since. But for the rest of us, we might have a more meandering path. This is true of careers, hobbies, where we live, and the kind of lifestyles we lead.
Getting to know ourselves a little better will help us find what will make us most happy. But it will also show us how to make the people around us happier too, a worthwhile investment to be sure.
