I started a post to list lessons from May and June goals, and then I completely neglected it. So now, on the 6th of July, I find myself writing out the lessons I learned in June and thinking about what my goals are for the rest of July.
Charles and I spent 10 days on the east coast the last week of June, which was a lovely and fun change. I enjoyed meeting more of his family member’s at their family reunion and we spent a full week as tourists in DC. It’s such a wonderful city and I can’t wait to go back someday. Nevertheless, at the end of a long trip, I always find myself yearning to bury my roots deep down again. For me, this looks like cleaning and organizing my home, eating clean to purge all of the bad vacation food, and diving back into my personal and professional goals.
I guess now that I think about it, coming back from vacation is sort of like New Year’s. Not only do you need to rest and recover after both the holidays and a vacation, but it’s also a great reset. You can come at normal life with a fresh perspective. With that in mind, here’s what’s been stewing in my brain:
This was taken at a wonderful winery we visited in Maryland. I couldn’t get over how beautiful it was!
Lessons I Learned in June
My husband and I have incredibly different travel styles.
To be honest, this wasn’t a terrible shock. I’ve traveled plenty with friends and so have learned that traveling styles can really vary. This was our first time traveling together on a big trip and we realized just how different our wants and needs are. One of us has more energy. Our interests are varied. Neither one of us wanted to take control over the schedule for various reasons. We learned a lot about each other and have some things we plan on doing differently next trip. Which leads me to….
It’s important to state what you actually want.
This goes back to my husband and my different travel styles. We found that we were both trying to soften or dilute what we really wanted in order to be more amenable to the other person. As a result, neither of us were terribly happy about some of the compromises we made. It would have been much more helpful if we had both just stated exactly what we wanted in the first place and then worked from there. Stating what you want doesn’t mean you’re being selfish or that you’re going to insist on getting what you want. You’re just being forthcoming with your feelings. The important thing is to be able to say your desires out loud and then be okay with another outcome. We started doing this as soon as we made the discovery and it was a huge improvement in our communication.
We stayed in some really, really great locations for less than half the price of a hotel. There was a small hiccup with our stay in Pennsylvania, but Airbnb took care of it right away and it was pretty painless. There were absolutely no issues with our stay in DC. We were a block away from two different metro stations, right by a grocery store, had a garden apartment all to ourselves, and it was so quiet and comfortable. If you’re interested in trying it out, here’s a coupon for $40 off your first stay. If you use the link, you’ll get $40 off and I’ll get a $20 credit for referring you.
July Goals
Eat clean
This month, my husband and I are enacting some new food rules to help us with our goal of eating healthy.
No added sugar (in coffee, tea, recipes, etc. Sadly, this includes honey + artificial sweeteners)
No candy
No desserts (unless offered to us at someone else’s house, and only ONE serving)
No buying alcohol for home
One drink limit if we’re eating out
Eating out must be planned at least 24 hours in advance
We’re eager (and nervous) to try out these new rules. It’s certainly going to be challenging, but our bodies will thank us!
Start a running plan
We decided we’re going to start running together. So far, we already have one run down. My plan is to take it slow and steady and let this app do all the thinking for me.
Read 7 books
This sounds like a lot, but I’m a voracious reader and Charles will be busy for a couple weeks this month. I’m planning on filling the time I would normally spend with him with lots and lots of reading. I’m working on my Summer Reading List right now and loving some of the titles.
Find a budgeting technique to try out
This is something Charles and I want to do together so we can see what will work for both of us. I’m thinking about doing the envelope budget first. It seems really extreme, but I’m kind of drawn to that. I can be really all or nothing when it comes to implementing new habits or changes in my life.
Clean out my iPhone Pictures
I’m ashamed to admit that I currently have 11,288 photos on my phone right now. The situation has been so out of control for so many years that I’ve just avoided thinking about it. But that’s not a great long term strategy so this month I plan to attack it head on. Have any advice?
I’d love to hear more about your goals! Leave a comment and share what you’re currently working on. Also, let me know if you have any advice for any of my goals!
Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about vulnerability. As I read this book, I began to see the adverse effects of fighting against vulnerability. It’s tempting to write vulnerability off as weakness, something to be guarded against rather than invited in. But the more I learn and experience life, the more I see how important it is to be vulnerable, especially in the right place and time. Vulnerability is scary, but the genuine relationships, authenticity, and self-acceptance more than make up for it.
You know how we all have those friends who are great at all the things we’re not? For me, that friend is Kristi. She’s an amazing singer, partakes in small talk with ease, makes everyone around her feel safe + comfortable + important. And she’s really good at getting vulnerable. When I decided to get intentional about being more vulnerable, I knew she was the best person to learn from. Her vulnerability with me is the main reason that we’ve been able to have such a great friendship. When she lets me see who she truly is and what she actually thinks, it opens the door for me to do the same. The neat thing is that I also see her interact with other people in this way, so I know that being authentic and vulnerable is a skill she uses frequently.
I sent her a few questions about her journey, and thankfully, she’s graciously allowing me to share her answers here for the benefit of all of you as well. Without further ado, here’s my interview with Kristi about being vulnerable.
Picture Credit: Payton Marie Photography
First of all, so we’re all on the same page, how would you define vulnerability?
I think vulnerability is the deep longing in all of us to be known for who we truly are and so, to be vulnerable is to be who we know ourselves to be when no one else is looking. True vulnerability occurs in a relationship when you not only metaphorically unlock the doors to every room in your “house,” but you turn on all the lights as well. Truly being seen.
I think Merriam-Webster gets it right in saying vulnerability is when you are “capable of being physically or emotionally wounded.” To unlock the doors and turn on all the lights of your soul to someone else puts you very much at risk for two things: love or rejection. I think, for me, the latter is the reason I stayed hidden from the people in my life for so long. The fear of rejection was so great that I never took the risk for love. People all along the way were loving me, but I was so sure that they only loved the version of myself I allowed them to know. I was convinced that if they knew the real me, they would flat out reject me. Putting on a show was my way of making sure I didn’t lose the people I loved, all the while never really letting them love me.
[click_to_tweet tweet=”‘I was convinced that if they knew the real me, they would flat out reject me. Putting on a show was my way of making sure I didn’t lose the people I loved, all the while never really letting them love me.’ #vulnerability #bevulnerable” quote=”I was convinced that if they knew the real me, they would flat out reject me. Putting on a show was my way of making sure I didn’t lose the people I loved, all the while never really letting them love me.”]
Have you always been a vulnerable person? Is it something that comes naturally or is it something that you’ve had to work at?
I have not always been a vulnerable person. In fact, I would say I have mostly been the opposite. I have been a very hidden person most of my life. Hiding does something to you. I think something in all of us knows we are meant to be free, meant to be loved even in our brokenness, but we’ve been told and shown that we need to hide.
I reached a point a few years ago when I knew I had to either bring my whole self and whole past into the light or, honestly, be done with life. Like an animal pacing in its cage at the zoo, I was on the brink of losing it because I knew I was made to roam freely. Like these caged creatures, we all reach a point when we can’t do it anymore. We were never meant to hide, but to be free.
Can you tell us a little about how you came to be more vulnerable?
I’m learning that all the stages and dramas of my story in the past twenty-seven years have brought me so kindly to this place of no longer settling to be who I think people want me to be, but risking to be who I was made to be. Our stories are such kind and beautiful gifts when we agree that with God every bad thing can work for our good. My story involves its graces and its traumas, its victories and abuses, its joys and its sorrows; and I have seen how each one has put in me the will not to hide anymore.
I was sexually abused as a little girl, and I waited breathlessly throughout my childhood for someone in one of my friendships, mentorships, family, or church to tell their own story of abuse. My fear was that I was the only one. “What is wrong with me?” became the ever-ringing anthem in my ears. I was asked to keep quiet and so, quiet I was, terrified that if I spoke up it would all be confirmed as true: “something is terribly wrong with you.”
The deepest heartache of secrets and wearing costumes is that it keeps the fear alive even when people truly love you. The voice cries out, “no one really loves you,” and as far as you know, no one really does because you know deep down that no one really knows you. I carried my secret for sixteen years. Sixteen years is a long time to keep quiet. Sixteen years is a long time to keep all your relationships at a distance. Sixteen years is a long time to believe the lie that no one really loves you.
These years of quiet, though the darkest and most painful, were in fact the very means that brought me to the land of the vulnerable I now inhabit. One time I let our once satisfied indoor cat into the outdoor world, and she spent the rest of her days crying at the backdoor. Similarly, I believe those who were once “caged,” upon tasting freedom can never return to satisfaction with the way they once lived and existed.
I think you have to know what it feels like to hide to truly appreciate freedom. Though I don’t bless what I experienced as a little girl, I do bless the God who has worked it for my good. I am who I am today, the free and wild soul with hopes of walking with others into their own freedom, because of the hiding I lived in for all those years. All things for good, I truly believe.
Have you ever regretted being vulnerable?
Because I remember how dangerous hiding was for me, vulnerability almost feels safer. Yet, I have felt the sting of being vulnerable with people too soon. I’ve brought very dark parts of my soul to the light expecting to be met with love and understanding, only to feel misunderstanding from the soul across from me. These moments have taken their swing at me and I have my share of bruises, but I’ve realized two things.
First, I’ve learned that even if you are secure in who you are, you don’t need to share everything with everyone you sit across the table from. This seems like practical advice, but if you are an “all or nothing” person like myself, this is a necessary lesson to learn. I used to write off the people as “untrustworthy” who didn’t respond to my vulnerability the way I thought they should. Now I’m learning that some people take time, and our expectations of how someone should respond don’t get to be determinate of what kind of a person they are.
The second thing I’ve learned is that almost all the time, a person’s response to what we share is more about them than it is about us. The degree to which we’ve come to terms with our own stories is the degree to which we are able to receive others’. I recently shared my story with a newer friend and her response, far from compassionate, was emotionally charged. I could see all her walls go up. I understood that my vulnerability triggered something in her own story that she was not ready to face yet. Understanding that people’s responses to my vulnerability are less about me and more about their own baggage has been extremely helpful in how I navigate through my relationships.
How has your life gotten better from being more vulnerable?
Being vulnerable has changed everything for me. I used to wonder if people would love me if they really knew me. Now, because I bravely took a step toward vulnerability, I know that people actually love me for me. They love me when I’m killing it and when I fail them. It’s been the experience of being loved in my failures and broken promises that’s finally broken down the walls of hiding that used to promise me safety. I know I am safest when I am known, and there’s no going back for me.
How does vulnerability tie into your art as a songwriter?
I wrote the song “Even This Sadness” at the very beginning of my journey into vulnerability. I thought I had written it for a friend, but later realized it was really the song I was singing to my own terrified soul. As I walked out of my years of hiding into being known, I isolated myself because of my fear that I would be abandoned and rejected. This isolation caused deep depression that left me with two choices: continue to hope and walk forward through the pain, or end it all because hiding is no longer an option for me.
This song became my anthem during this season, continually calling me to the hope that even my sadness is not strong enough to separate me from the love God has for me. To all that hear this song, I pray that you keep hoping, keep lifting up your head, and keep placing your feet on the ground morning by morning with hope that comes only from Jesus–that you are loved no matter what you’ve done or has been done to you in your story. There is more and He works all things, even our hiding and sadness, for good.
Going from the forest of hiding into the clearing of being known can be a terrifying thing. This song was in response to that.
A Final Note
A huge thanks to Kristi for being willing to share her heart with us. I hope that you guys were able to learn as much from her as I have. If you guys would like to follow along with Kristi, you can find her website at kristiheppmusic.com and her YouTube channel here.
Leave a comment and let us know how vulnerability has influenced your life.
One of the biggest lessons I learned from this book is that it’s important to get to know yourself. For some of us, focusing on knowing ourselves almost sounds self-indulgent. Wouldn’t it be better, more humble, to get to know the people around us instead? But I’ve discovered that there are some pretty major reasons to get to know yourself first.
1. It helps you develop habits that will actually work
Gretchen Rubin’s whole book is about this, so I won’t say much on the subject. An example of how this works is knowing whether you’re a lark (morning person) or night owl. If you’ve always been a night owl and that’s when you feel most awake and alive and creative, it doesn’t make sense for you to develop the habit of waking up early. You do your best work at night. If you know that you love to open things or start a project, it helps you be more aware of the fact that you need to work on finishing them. Maybe you work best in a vibrant, messy, unpredictable environment. Knowing this means that you can stop trying to have an ordered, minimalist home. Knowing yourself helps you develop the right kind of habits that are tailored to you.
2. It helps you stay authentic
One of the difficulties of being human is that we’re always trying to live up to other people’s expectations. If we’re not trying to base our lives on external expectations, then we’re trying to live up to our own, perhaps unrealistic, expectations. Getting to know yourself causes you to think about who you really are and what you really want. When you do this, greater authenticity is a natural result.
3. It makes you a happier person
There’s something about knowing yourself better that helps you embrace the person you actually are instead of the person you’re trying to be. You have unique skills and giftings that are special to you. You’re good at things that other people aren’t. You have a collection of knowledge and experiences that no one else in the world has. Knowing this about yourself allows you to use whatever is unique about you for whatever your unique purpose is. When you do this, it’s hard not to be happier.
4. To know others better
When I started putting more time into understanding myself, it caused me to notice how other people are different from me, and I began to understand the ones I love better too. For example, when I discovered that I’m flexible and adept at changing my plans based on unforeseeable circumstances, it made me realize that some people aren’t. By learning more about yourself, you automatically learn more about others in the process thanks to the beauty and diversity of distinction.
5. It improves your relationships
One you know yourself better, which results in knowing others better, improved relationships are quick to follow. Accepting yourself makes it easier to accept other people as well. Knowing your own preferences and how they differ from the preferences of those you love makes you better at compromising, communicating what’s important to you, and making worthwhile sacrifices for the ones you love. You’ll both be happier as a result.
Maybe you think that your spouse values having his car as clean as your own, so every Saturday you devote time and money into cleaning both your cars. If you find out that having a clean car is a priority your spouse doesn’t share, you can save yourself the time, energy, and cost involved in cleaning his car and do something that will matter more to both of you.
6. You’ll be less swayed by popular opinion
Ours is a culture that values thinking for yourself and paving your own way in the world. There’s something special about designing the life you want, finding that sweet spot of what matters most to you and going after it. When you know yourself better, you’re less likely to be swayed by other people. Maybe it’s always been your dream to have a big house with a pool so you can frequently host your friends and family. Some might call this the gift of hospitality. But if you’re swayed by the currently popular tiny home movement, you might feel bad about this dream and, even worse, give up on it.
Then again, maybe your dream is to spend as much time traveling the world with your family as possible, and you don’t really care to invite a ton of people into your home. If that’s the case, it would certainly make a lot more sense to take advantage of the tiny house trend. Neither of these dreams or desires are bad, but you certainly can’t have both. Getting to know yourself is the only way you can determine what your values are and effectively shape the path of your life rather than following the crowd.
Questions to Get to Know Yourself
Getting to know what you really want can take years and a lot of experimentation. Here are a few questions to get you started on that path:
What makes me feel most alive?
You know that feeling you get when you’re in your element and life feels absolutely sweet? Pay attention to those moments. What makes you feel that way? Can you recreate it?
What makes me most jealous of other people?
You might need to think this through a bit. Say you’re jealous of someone who lives a glamorous lifestyle and doesn’t ever worry about money. At first you’d think that your only desire is to be rich. But if you think about it further, you might realize that you’re really just jealous of their ability to spend more time with their kids. It might take some time, but you might figure out a way to make that possible. Maybe you downsize your house, buy a cheaper car, and get a part-time job instead of a full time. If more time with your kids a priority, you can most likely find a way to make it happen, especially if you think long term.
Try paying attention to what you’re jealous of, whether it’s hobbies, careers, lifestyle, etc. With some creativity and thoughtfulness, you might be able to add some of that to your life.
How much interaction do I need to have with people?
If you’re always feeling socially deprived, perhaps a new hobby that doesn’t involve any human interaction isn’t the best fit. If you’re absolutely drained by being around people all the time, think about creating some boundaries for a few evenings a week so you get some time alone.
What did I enjoy doing as a child?
Things that you enjoyed as a child are often things that we would enjoy as adults too. Did you absolutely adore your family’s annual two-week camping trip? Maybe you can’t take two weeks off work, but you could probably make time to spend more of your weekends in nature. I spent most of my free time reading and doing gymnastics as a child. As an adult, I still enjoy reading. My adult body isn’t quite capable of doing gymnastics anymore, but I’ve found that yoga has similar challenges and benefits, so I’ve been working on incorporating more of that into my life. I never enjoyed team sports, so playing indoor soccer on the weekends isn’t an activity I would enjoy. Fortunately I know this about myself and don’t try to make myself do something I wouldn’t enjoy.
A Final Note
Though it’s fairly simple to acknowledge that getting to know yourself is important, actually doing it can be incredibly challenging. It takes many years for some people to figure out what kind of career path is going to be most fulfilling to them. Perhaps some people never find it, satisfying themselves in focusing on paying the bills and living for the weekends instead. There’s a lucky few who know what they want to do when they’re children and have a clear path and fulfilling purpose ever since. But for the rest of us, we might have a more meandering path. This is true of careers, hobbies, where we live, and the kind of lifestyles we lead.
Getting to know ourselves a little better will help us find what will make us most happy. But it will also show us how to make the people around us happier too, a worthwhile investment to be sure.
I’ve been thinking about habits a lot this week. To be fair, figuring out how to cultivate good habits and rhythms is not usually far from my mind since I feel like I struggle with it more than the average person. I’m always a fan of focusing on progress, but it never hurts to acknowledge where you have room to grow too! So with that in mind, here’s my confession of bad habits that I’m still working on.
Flossing
I feel like there’s not much that needs to be said about this first one. Flossing is good. Not flossing is bad. Every time I go to the dentist they tell me to floss. It only takes like 30 seconds! Why don’t I do this? I don’t know! But not flossing is definitely one of my bad habits.
Planning my days ahead of time
Being married to a man that loves structure really helps me with this. For some reason, he reacts negatively when I try to cram in three different activities at the last minute (can’t imagine why), so I’m really learning not to do this as much. I’m still not great at planning for my priorities though. Just because I’m not doing so many things last minute doesn’t mean that I’m actually doing the things I care most about.
Putting my clothes away when I change
I leave them in a “neat pile” by the closet. It would probably only take like 30 seconds to hang them or fold them and put them away, but it always feels like too much effort.
Responding to people’s messages
I am probably most ashamed about this one because I think it can be so rude. I always do this thing where I see someone’s message–whether it’s a text or Facebook message or whatever–and I decide I’m going to think for a minute before I respond…. and then I just don’t respond. People probably think I dislike them, but really I just have this mental block about responding to messages. One day I’m going to get better at this!
Sipping on my coffee all day long
It’s not the coffee itself I think is a bad habit, especially since I usually drink it with unsweetened almond milk and no added sugar. But it’s bad for my teeth (and probably my breath) to slowly sip on the heavenly dark brown liquid all day long.
Never watching one tv show
I’m all or nothing when it comes to tv or movies. I wish I could be someone who could just watch one episode every day or two, but I’m not. It’s basically three episodes or bust. So a lot of times I don’t end up watching anything at all because I know once I start, I won’t be able to stop. Unless of course my husband is there to turn off the tv despite my protests. But that’s not really fair to him is it?
Choosing to work out based on my energy levels
A lot of times I choose not to work out because I just feel so wiped out, never mind the fact that exercising boosts your energy. I am probably never going to feel energetic enough to work out. Unless I stop sipping my coffee and drink all three cups all at once. I need to just make sure I always work out in the time that I’ve allotted for it, no matter what I’m feeling.
Waiting for the perfect circumstances
In my pursuit of all things better, sometimes I can take it too far. If it’s gorgeous weather but slightly windy, I’ll say we should wait for that picnic for a better day. But who am I kidding, it’s Oklahoma! It’s always windy. I would love to develop the habit of going for things instead of waiting for the stars to align.
Rationing everything
Seriously, I ration everything like I was raised during the Great Depression. I don’t know why this is since I feel like I wasn’t raised this way. I just love saving money and I hate seeing waste. Couple that with my tendency to wait for the perfect circumstances (see above), and I often wait so long to use my favorite things that I’ve moved on and they’re not even my favorite anymore.
Mindlessly scrolling social media
Would I even be a millennial if I didn’t mention this one? I think that social media is an awesome thing. That needs boundaries. And sometimes I cross those. Scrolling any of the social media sites for too long has this special way of making you feel drained and like you’re not enough. I’m always striving for the perfect balance, but lately I’ve definitely been tipping too far into the bad habit of mindlessly scrolling too much.
Thanks for following along with my confessional! I thought it might be hard to think of 10 bad habits, but they came to me really fast. Leave a comment and let me know what bad habits you struggle with so we can encourage each other! And also so I don’t feel so bad for mine 😉
I’m not a naturally structured person, and I have a difficult time motivating myself. Doing these monthly goal recaps and planning posts really helps me think through what I really want to focus on in the coming month! I thought I’d share since I always love getting a peek into other people’s goals.
Lessons Learned in April
Starting a blog is a looooooot of work
I’ve spent countless hours each week researching + tweaking + writing + thinking + resolving + doubting + resolving again. I definitely tend to overthink + over-research (if there is such a thing) instead of taking action, so that’s something I’m going to work hard to fix in the coming month.
I need to stop multi-tasking
This last month (okay, my whole life…) I’ve been jumping from one task to another without focusing really well on any one thing, and often without completely finishing what I start. Now that I’m adding the blog to my daily rhythms, I’ve really been feeling scattered and unfocused as a result of so much multitasking. I’ve decided that a quick way to deal with this problem would be to block out my time and do certain types of tasks all at one time.
Mapping out the steps makes all the difference
Following along with the previous point, another issue I’ve run into this last month with blogging is not really knowing where I should focus. Mapping out the steps will really help me to stay focused and know exactly what needs to be done in order to make decent progress.
Only have one teacher
I read this recently on Natalie Bacon’s blog and thought it was some really great advice. When it comes to blogging especially, there are a lot of voices out there telling you what to do, and oftentimes they’re conflicting. Even if they’re not, at some point you have to stop gathering information and just start doing stuff. Listening to too many teachers makes it hard to get to the doing stuff part, not to mention that it’s confusing! This month I’m going to be a little more picky with who my teachers are and tune out all the other voices.
I did not do this. Going on month 10. This month will be the month! I believe it!
CATCH UP ON READING
My goal was to start catching up in the Goodreads Reading Challenge. I didn’t catch up, but I didn’t get further behind either, so I’m counting this as a win.
CLEAN OUT OUR SPARE ROOM
I’m only halfway through this, to be honest. However, we did sell a bunch of belongings on Facebook Marketplace and made $285 in the process! We also made about $300 selling things on Amazon, so that was a definite win!
YOGA
I tend to be really hard on myself and don’t want to count this as a win because I didn’t complete all 30 days. But I did do 15 days of yoga, and that’s a win too.
WHOLE30
As I write this, we’re halfway through Day 29! I’d be shocked if we somehow ate non-whole30 compliant food in the next 36 hours, so this is for sure a win! Yay! We feel great, look great, and are happy to know that we’ve been nourishing our bodies well for the last 29 days.
I did not reach my goal. I got about halfway, which is fine with me. The main purpose of the goal was to keep myself motivated to write blog posts. While I didn’t write as many as I hoped, I still published at least three a week, so that definitely feels like a win, even if I didn’t reach my word count goal!
May Goals
Get my wedding dress cleaned
This will be the month! I can feel it!
Clean out our spare room
I have plans to sell a bunch more stuff, give more stuff away, and organize the things that we already have. It’ll feel so good when it’s done!
Finish 30 Days of Yoga
I love Adriene’s videos. She’s so good at helping me pay attention to what’s going on in my body so I can start treating it better. Seriously, every time I finish a session, I let out this deep sigh of contentment and relief because my body feels so good and I’m so peaceful. So one of my goals is to finish 30 Days of Yoga series this month, and to keep doing yoga once I finish the series.
Finish 6 Books
This sounds like a lot for one month, but I’m fairly confident I can accomplish it. Especially if I squeeze in some audiobooks!
Use My Bullet Journal
I’ve been trying out a bullet journal for most of the year. To be honest, it’s not really my favorite. I like having the structure/accountability of pre-dated pages. But I also haven’t been very consistent in using the bullet journal. I’m going to be really consistent with it for the month of May before I decide whether to go back to a regular planner in journal.
Plan Our Trip to PA/DC
Charles and I have our flights booked for our trip out east this summer! We’re really excited! Now we just need to plan out what we want to do a little bit more. I can function fairly well flying by the seat of my pants, but I know that Charles would prefer a little more structure and we can better prioritize that way, so structure it is! Any recommendations for central Pennsylvania and/or DC?
I’d love to hear from you! What did you learn last month? What are you hoping for in May? Leave a comment and let me know!
The study of personality types is an incredibly useful tool to grow as a person, understand others more, and just make life better in general. But like any tool, there are good ways to use it and bad ways. Over time, I’ve picked up what are some good habits and what are some bad ones when it comes to typing, whether it’s the Enneagram or Myers-Briggs or the 5 Love Languages. Here are some things you shouldn’t do when learning about personality types.
Don’t assume that you will fit perfectly into one personality type
Personality types are just very broad frameworks. There are 7 billion people on the earth but only 16 Myers-Briggs types and 9 Enneagram types. No two people are exactly alike, meaning that the 16 different types can look really different. Just because something doesn’t describe you perfectly, or because you don’t fit the exact mold, doesn’t mean it’s not useful. Personality types are just tools to get you started in knowing yourself and learning about other people, and they only tell you a handful of specific things about you.
Don’t use unreliable sources
Tumblr should be taken with a grain of salt, my friends. There are a lot of people out there who are incredibly passionate about and have put a lot of time into personality types… but they’re still not experts. Be careful who you get your information from. Try to find sources of people who have formal training, who cite resources, and in general have a balanced view. If all your knowledge of your Myers-Briggs type comes from Pinterest, then you’ll probably have some pretty funny memes, but you won’t have learned how to actually grow as a person.
One of the challenges that I’ve run into as an INTP is that much of the information about INTPs on Pinterest is disparaging, whether that’s toward INTPs or the rest of the world. If I took everything Pinterest said to be true about myself, I would assume that I am a heartless robot with poor fashion sense that can’t get anything done but reads a lot. Obviously, many of the jokes are exaggerations. But if you’re absorbing too much of it, it’s certainly not helpful.
Don’t listen to people who take their own experience and say it’s true for everyone of that type
This goes hand in hand with the above point. I’ve found some insightful information from Quora, but I have to be really careful about taking it with a grain of salt. There are a lot of people who answer questions about personality types and imply that just because something is such a way for them, it will be for everyone of the same type. For example, INTPs are supposed to have really bad fashion sense. While being well-dressed isn’t my delight and joy in life, it’s also not uncommon for me to be complimented for my style. Does that mean I’m not an INTP? Certainly not. It just means that just because that’s true for many people with a similar personality, doesn’t mean it has to be true for me. If someone says, “ALL INTPs suck at getting dressed,” that’s a good indication they’re not a good source of information.
Don’t use your personality type as an excuse
The point of studying your personality type and knowing yourself better is so that you can grow as a person. If you’re not doing that, but just using it as an excuse for why you are the way you are, you’re failing in your study. I cannot emphasize this enough. If you’re using your introversion as an excuse to bail on your friends all the time, you’re not growing as a person. If your love language is quality time and you’re using that as an excuse not to buy a gift for your gift-loving spouse, then you’re not using the tool like you should be. While it can be useful to explain yourself to someone, it should never be an excuse to keep hurting others, whether intentionally or not.
Don’t use it as a weapon against other people
This can be common for family members and friends who are first learning about the types. They’ll say stuff like, “Well you’re just an Enneagram 3, so obviously you’re just being overly ambitious.” Some people even do this in dating relationships. This is not at all helpful, and will probably not score you another date. Personality types are great tools for understanding people better with the intention to love and serve them better, not just beat them over the head.
Don’t over-explain other people’s personalities to them
By all means, if they appear interested, keep telling them what you’ve learned about them. But the worst thing you can do to your friends is go on and on and on about why they made this decision, or they’re like this, or they keep doing this thing. I promise you, you haven’t totally figured them out. Instead of explaining someone else to themselves, try asking them about themselves instead. Saying something like, “I read this about your type, do you think that seems accurate?” Use personalities as a conversation starter and don’t take the position of expert. Unless, of course, you are actually the expert and they’re asking for your help.
Don’t refuse to be friends with someone because of their type
There is lots out there about which Myers-Briggs personalities get along best, which clash, and which ones make for the best and worst romantic partners. I’m sure there are pros and cons to meshing every personality type together, but avoiding someone just because of their type is really narrow-minded. We’re all vibrant, beautiful, unique, and adaptable humans who can learn a lot of empathy and compassion for each other. Personality type alone should never be your reason for avoiding someone.
Don’t talk about your own personality type too much
Unless you have a very interested party, you’ll have to be very careful not to drive the people in your life up the wall with your new obsession. For me, learning about my MBTI was incredibly freeing and it’s alllll I wanted to talk about. But I quickly bored people with the subject. My best advice? Find the people who are interested. Read more information from experts. Listen to some podcasts. If all else fails, talk it through with your journal.
Don’t equate personality types to morality
This one goes hand in hand with generalizing the types. Oftentimes, people will say things like:
“INTPs are always lazy”
“INTJs are all evil masterminds”
“Enneagram 3s have the best work ethic”
Your type does not define your morality, for good or bad, and neither does anyone else’s. If someone is a jerk, it’s not because they’re an Enneagram 1. It’s because they’re just a jerk. If someone’s love language is receiving gifts, it doesn’t mean they’re greedy. Certain types do have certain predilections, but it’s not their type that determines whether they make good choices or bad choices.
Don’t wrap your identity in your personality type
It can be easy to be proud of or ashamed of your personality type. Just remember that your identity is more than your type. We’re all so unique, and personality types are only one very small piece of the puzzle that is you. By all means, use the tools. Just remember that you’re more than the tools.
I’d love to hear your feedback. Do you see people frequently making these mistakes? Would you add anything to the list of things not to do when learning about personality types?
Hi, I’m Kelsey! I live in the DC area with my husband and two cats. I currently spend my days working from home, reading all the books, and enjoying home life in our new-to-us 1940s condo. Read more about me here.
